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Posted on 2005.11.13 at 23:21
I've often wondered why there is this double standard hanging over my head. Like, things that bother everyone aren't supposed to bother me. things Everyone else are doing, I shouldn't even think about doing. Blah Blah Blah.

The truth is I am different from most people, and I'm proud of it. 99% of people can't/don't hold my interest longer than a year after i meet them. The one percent that remains typically aren't the best people for my life...but they are real, and they are insane, and they are loved. So what?

In no way am i trying to sound elitist. In fact, if I want to get disgustingly drunk at a bar and make out with some guy who makes me laugh, i will do it. I will be on the dance floor being carefree, and 22, and i don't expect a grand production about it. It's what people do sometimes.

If i don't want to talk to someone anymore, I don't need to give a reason. People don't have to give reasons. Don't you know that? There shouldn't be some unnatural conversation about it, and it shouldn't be forced.

I don't even know what i'm saying anymore. I think i drank too much wine and have thought too much about this weekend. But honestly, can't i just be normal for like a week? one week is all i ask.

(Thank God for Blue October)

It's 2 in the morning, and this used to be the time I was the most inspired. I don't know what I'm feeling right now. Definitley not inspired.

I don't really know what you're supposed to do when the only person you ever imagined yourself marrying, decides to marry someone else. I'm not really sure how you're supposed to take that. Or if it should even affect you at all. I'm not sure if that's supposed to be the closure that you never thought you had. I'm not sure if you're supposed to laugh about it, or cry, or throw things. I'm not sure if you ever get over your first love, or your first heart break, or your first relapse, or your first real trail at actual Living. I'm not sure if it's possible to transcend those types of feelings, and those type of plans on to another person. I'm not sure what life will be like without that type of reassurance...that the person is out there, the timings just off. I'm not sure how to live without believing in that. I'm not sure about a lot of things right now.

Everyone says all the right things. Everyone points out the obvious. Everyone claims that I don't need that type of person in my life. They miss the point. Let it be known that there was always a reason. Anyways why am i writing about this? I mean, who writes about this? There are, in fact, bigger things going on in my life that a select few know about. And more than anything it pisses me off that THIS is what is keeping me awake, and not those things. Finality, is a bitch. In every sense of the word.

Speak to me, Justin.

Relapse
Prevent trigger intent
Now drown
High strung
Say X amount of words

You’re solar, bipolar
Panic disorder
Seems harder and harder and harder
Still you try to control it

You mold, you mold
Yeah you shape to mold
Oh you’re bold you’re bold
But your shape is bold

You’re a symptom superficial
To what they call knowing you
Minus the speed,
Could you imagine the phobia?

Your brain is faulty wiring
the reason for tiring
Keep treating the curse,
Imagine the worst
Systematic, sympathetic
Quite pathetic, apologetic, paramedic
Your heart is prosthetic

A plate of quite peculiar
On a dish of my own
A tablespoon of feather
tickle me to the bone
Give me recipes for happy
with the chemicals gone
Drinking freedom from a bottle
to the tune of belong

I'm sick of shaking
never waking
from the hell I achieve
I never knew you till you left me
with the crying disease

Another curing, reassuring
way to buckle the knees
So mistreated, I repeated
Never blessing your sneeze

Now deleted and defeated
I will stand on my own
Yeah your memory that punches me
has broken the bone

Give me recipes for sorry
I'm admitting I'm wrong
Still your memory that punches me
has broken the bone

Posted on 2005.10.14 at 15:30
I'm stuck in the meantime.....



Who knows where we'll be 5 years from now. Does that make worrying mind numbingly pointless? I'm beginning to believe so.

Nothing EVER EVER EVER turns out the way you planned it. This is a good thing. Proof can be found in random memories. Did we ever plan that summer? Did we ever plan half of our happiest times? no sir, we did not.

I'm not planning this. (or that) I'm not planning where i'll be tomorrow, or tonight, or next week, and certainly not next year. i refuse to make decisions that rule out future possibilities. I'm indescive, and will remain that way until I don't want to be indescive anymore. How bout that?

Judge not lest ye be judged, ladies and gents. Judge not.

In other news, I watched a television program today that made me ridiculously disgusted about ending a relationship i didn't even understand. You're not supposed to understand what that means. I'm not anticipating a change in the course of events, but it's nice to gain a little knowledge about things that affect your life without your knowing it. who knew.

(and we know who's to blame...)
no we really don't.

I believe less in organized religion than i did this time last year. Is there something wrong with that? I'm not sure there is.

Some people say i have the A.D.D.

Posted on 2005.10.11 at 16:28
Current Mood: thankfulthankful
Sounds in my Brain....: floyd in your eardrums

1. At least 2 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. If not for you, someone may not be living.
8. You are special and unique.
9. Someone that you don't even know exists, loves you.
10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.
12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, probably, sooner or later, you will get it.
13. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know.
15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.

 

We've all seen that I'm sure.  I like it.  It gives me hope.  It does and it does.

People are hard to figure out, impossible to understand, and sometimes it gets rather exhausting.  But I say this to you now, When you get it right, it feels so wonderful.  To know that you have these friends that have no clue but have every clue.  To know that you have these people who love you.  To believe in that.  It's amazing.  I love my friends for that the most.

Yesterday was insane.  But I counted on the two people I knew I could count on.  It payed off.  I'm still alive and functional today.  I owe them big things.  I owe them nothing at all.  .....bewildered.....

Life is uping and downing me to the point of extreme motion sickness...but do you see those leaves?  Apple Cider and flavored teas never tasted THIS good before.  There is beauty everywhere if you step outside your own 4 walls.  And there's a fire pit in my back yard just begging for bonfires and late night chatter.  Perhaps this weekend....Perhaps the one that follows.

Someone screamed on my voicemail.  It's nice to play it loud at work to confuse people.  I really like silly things sometimes. 

...and when you know you can't go back, the future isn't as scary.  You know? 


Beauuuuuutiful Trees.......

Posted on 2005.10.07 at 12:42
I'm not exactly sure how it went from shorts/tee shirt weather to autumn overnight, but i'm loving every second of it. I got out the ol' sweaters, and it is a true statement that sweaters unfold themselves. This is my favorite time of year for various reasons. I love the smell of this season. I love pumpkins and leaves. I love the whole vibe of hooded sweatshirts and caramel apple ciders. I antipate bonfires and lots of them. Perhaps it is just me, but I find that some music sounds better than others based on the weather. Summer is always a time to get out Sublime, and Jimmy Buffet, and Jack Johnson. But, the fall is it's own soundtrack. Below is the mix tape I compiled to welcome in this new time of year. Horray and Horrah for it.

Jets To Brazil--Autumn Walker
Tokyo Rose--The Tin Man Gets his Heart
Jack's Mannequin--Dark Blue
Fiona Apple--Red, Red, Red
Emery--Listening to Freddie Mercury
The Early November--Sunday Drive
Waking Ashland--October Skies
Elliot Smith--Tomorrow Tomorrow
Fall out Boy--Sending Postcards from a plane crash (wish you were here)
The Used--Let it Bleed
The Get up Kids--Campfire Kansas
Bayside--They looked like strong hands
Cartel--The Minstrel's Prayer
Lydia--It's in your Blood
Lovedrug--Angels with Enemies
The Real You--Don't Measure the Distance
Staind--Epiphany
Sunny Day Real Estate--Guitars and Video Games

That is all I have to say.


I should get paid for this....

Posted on 2005.10.03 at 03:43
Current Mood: fullfull
Here I sit. 3:43 AM feels pretty much like any other time inside these walls. As long as the correct ratio of Coffee and Junk food is kept pumping through your veins, You can survive the midnight shift with enough energy to make it through the remainder of your day, without ever getting those quote unquote 8 hours the doctors reccomend.

It doesn't matter to me. Sleep that is. I would just as soon never go to sleep, if it were possible. It's the waking up that irks me. I can't stand waking up. I hate the feeling of it. I hate the idea of it. I hate relying on caffeine to make my day seem at all feasable. Give me insomnia. I'm more productive during non-business hours.

I keep having these dreams, anyhow, that make the idea of sleep almost ridiculous. Ballroom dancing. HA. I concur. Tonight I got to have some conversations that made me both alert and appreciative. I also hung up a target in my office and practiced shooting rubber bands at the wall for a 45 minute period. I ate a sundae cone. And I listened to Jimmy Eat World--Clarity; The Get Up Kids--Live at (somewhere), and Say Anything--is a Real Boy. I talked on the phone a bit, ate some pepperoni pizza combo's, and drank 2 and 1/2 glasses of french vanilla capachino.

All in all a quite relaxing night, but i can't help wondering how much longer it will last. Incidently, I wonder how much longer i will be content in a routine. Any routine, this routine, a routine. There has to be more then these walls and these ideas. Somewhere there is more, I tell you.

Worries that plague my mind, are they actual worries? Or are they made up to hide what I actually am...which is somedays content and somedays on edge. Bipolar or manic, or perhaps just way too knowledgable about psychiatric ailments and vocabulary. They say 'it takes one to know one'....and....i am one of all the cases I study. But, i try to give good advice, and I try to keep an open heart and mind for any type of oppurtunity to be a better person than I was the day before. Any ways, I'm trying.

And on that note, I'm going to try to look like I'm at work. So good day to you all, and God Bless.

the older i get...the more i forget (you)

Posted on 2005.10.01 at 00:25
Current Mood: draineddrained
Sounds in my Brain....: death cab for cutay.
Let it be known (ladies and gentleman) that I am getting old. How old, you say? Too old, perhaps. I've realized that in the past few weeks I've ditched out on plans or events because I am tired. And I ache. And generally, I feel as though I should receive a senior citizens discount when I purchase my morning cup o' joe.

I went to a bar the other night. I didn't get carded. My friend did. She's 3 years older than me. I broke up a fight. Stopped someone from drinking in the car I was driving. I turned down a hot boy from Wisconsin. I'm old and Wise. You should listen to me, (sometimes).

Whichever way you choose to look at it, you're all getting old too. I/You should not complain. I've been generally pleased with the way things have been shaping up in regards to people and oppurtunities. When you give people the chance to shine, SHINE they do. Out of nowhere none the less. Completely blinding and beautiful, I say. It's amazing what a positive outlook can do on life. Try it on for size.

Tomorrow is little sibs day. I decided that you don't need to be away at school to have little sibs day. Why is it, that we as people, refuse to appreciate the people who are right next to us? If you have a little sibling (or an older one at that) living in the next room, you are blessed. They do not need to be hundreds of miles away to be missed....hectic schedules take care of that on it's own.

So, yes. Tomorrow I am treating my little Jamie to a day of shopping and one Tinseltown Movie theatre. I have failed in my duties as a big sister. Tomorrow will be an oppurtunity to show that it has not gone unnoticed. We will then meet the parents, the sister + brother in law, and the nephew at one Carabba's and enjoy a family dinner that has been too long in the making. Needless to say, I am very much so looking forward to a day spent with the people who mean the very most to me.

This has been quite the unneccesary update to my life. I do not care. Neither should you. Life is bigger than my words in a journal and your interpretations to such words. Let us all venture out to find our niche, today. (And not turn away when it's been right beside us all along....)

unopened letter to the world....

Posted on 2005.09.25 at 03:55
Current Mood: contentcontent
Sounds in my Brain....: aqualung

Dear Black Eyed Peas,

Did you find the love? and if so, where in fact IS it?

Here is a clue, ladies and gentleman.  You are not the only person who has ever been burned in life.  You are not the only person who has been let down by an individual(s).  You are not the only one that feels pain or remorse or regret or any type of emotion that you are currently experiencing.  The crazy thing about the world is that it's intertwined.  You were burned, so you shut the door on new oppurtunities for love/friendship/living.

I am...(we are)....not moving ahead. (michelle nolan)

I like honesty.  Let's be honest for a minute.  I don't want to be your saving grace.  I don't want to be your charity case.  I would prefer not to accept your "second/third/fourth chances", and I surely don't want any one to 'do me a favor' by staying in my life.  I have survived 22 years of life by the love and support from my family and a small handful of friends that vary in their level of assistance and geniuness.  I'm not blind.

You can shut me out of your life for any type of reason you conjure. You can feel that I've changed or that I've made mistakes, and I will agree. I'll typically care and be upset about it until I talk to someone that truely matters. The people in my life that count for anything accept me for what I am/was/choose to become.  They do not hold grudges.  They do not feel they are in control of our relationship.  They do not expect anything from me, other than what I have to give.  They are special and they are loved.

Sometimes you can learn alot from patterns of behavior.

That's that.

In other news; life has been quite wonderful these past few days.  And I thank you kind sirs for making them as such.  New hot pink scrub pants.  A website of hilarities.  Playing in Traffic/hurricanes/thunderstorms.  Learning to up my game from the one and only true pimp. (i am ghetto, regardless of what you believe).

Looking forward to a scene party with Bradford.  Some Guitar Lessons.  And Coffee with Marissa (one day...?.).   Hope you are all healthy and Well.  GOODBYE!


Posted on 2005.09.21 at 06:47
Sometimes it just seems silly to be awake before the sun is out. All the hustle and bustle required to be ready for a 7:30 AM date with "the man". Sleep never comes to the dreadful. And when anticipation is running on high for bigger and better things, sometimes the point gets lost in the transition.

....somehow i'm thinking I'm meant for more than this (life).

sunrise and sunset. you wake up and you forget. what you were trying to retain.

Posted on 2005.09.15 at 01:35
Sounds in my Brain....: Cartel
and i'll hold on to the dream
of this beggar's plea and optimistic fantasy
just hold the hand and drop the knee
you're facing love
you're embracing melody....

I could write about the laundry list of problems that have made these past few weeks unbearable. I could tell you how many times I cried. I could tell you how many times I was scared to continue breathing. I can tell you how much angst came up out of nowhere blindsiding me to issues and ideas that previously had been ignored or pushed aside. But why bother. There's more to life than all of this.

Instead I will tell you about how in the past few weeks that I never thought I would make it through, i witnessed firsthand the impact that words and hugs and PEOPLE can make on someone. And in retrospect, it was beautiful. The way a friend can listen, and Hear, and understand. It really is uplifting to know that sometimes it can be you that breaks down....and there will be people who care enough to help.

And you can take this however you want, yeah you can take this however you want...and don't be so so sure that this is all it adds up to...you....

Life is in no way perfect, nor do i want it to be. I do believe that living is measured by near-misses and potential failures. Right now I'm just thankful beyond words to everyone, and i see the light at the end of the tunnel...and all the other cliche things you say when you wake up from a nervous breakdown.

I have a feeling we're all going to get through all the things we're absorbed in right now. I have a feeling we'll make it out okay. And I have a feeling we'll do it together. And I feel like that's the best feeling in the world.


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